How to Cope With Running Into Your Partner's Ex

A few months into dating, my at present-husband and I were approached by a alpine attractive woman at a comedy guild he was playing out of town. This charismatic blonde bombshell sparkled and shined and hugged u.s.a. both. Non too long after, she cornered me to keep near how my new boyfriend was "Merely the best!"

"We're super-good, super-quondam friends," she said. "And I've heard so much well-nigh you."

"Yeah, okay, keen," I chirped, unsure of her endgame simply melting into a puddle of insecurity. Did she feel protective? Was she trying to make sure I was a worthy person to date? Was she yet in love with him and therefore trying to undermine me? Was she simply trying to get in my head because she was insecure, too? Information technology felt similar a game of chess. I spent the unabridged car ride back to New York trying to effigy out how I could have played better and avoiding my then-boyfriend. I hadn't expected his ex to come out of nowhere and threaten my sense of calm. She seemed to desire to throw me off balance. It was working.

Later on two hours of passive-aggressively irresolute the radio station every few minutes, I finally broke downwardly and asked, "Why didn't you tell me that you dated her?"

"I had no idea she would be there," he explained reasonably. "There was no time to tell yous that before yous met her."

In one case he assured me that I had nada to worry about, I calmed downward and told him that if I had been prepared, I wouldn't have felt like they shared some special secret, which is truly the worst feeling of all. I realized I needed a "Running-Into-an-Ex Emergency Plan."

We decided transparency was easiest and most fulfilling when it comes to by romantic entanglements. Over the side by side few months, we laid out all our hookups, relationships, crushes, flirtations, almost-dates, and texts we however get from people at 4 a.grand. that only say, "'Sup?"

It goes both ways. I've told him I never want to exist the just person who doesn't know if he's had a relationship with someone, and he feels the aforementioned way. When we showtime got serious, he asked me, "Which comics take you hooked up with? I don't desire to come across them and be the 1 guy who doesn't know well-nigh it." I didn't heed the request since he had provided the same oppo research for me. Both of united states have seen firsthand the picayune lapses in knowledge that tin allow someone to piece of work their way in and try to "I'm-the-Guy" yous (or "I'm-the-Girl" you lot). When we shared our lists, including the trysts no i knows about, we were fully copacetic.

This level of honesty meant there was no way an ex could whip out the classic moves from The 48 Laws of Power (say, Law 3: "Conceal your intentions"; or even Law fourteen: "Pose as a friend, work as a spy"). An innocuous "Tell Mandy I said hi" was not some veiled ability move actually meaning, "You're wondering if I fucked your wife, aren't you?" Instead, it became the casual greeting it really is.

After those early on ex encounters, our level of personal due diligence became melded with a full general understanding of how we'd like these kinds of interactions to go downwards in the future.

We besides put some rules into identify:

Rule One: No gushy reunion, delight. It'due south great when exes remain friends, but it'south hurtful when you lot deed similar running into an old fling totally made your day. The perfect amount of detached naught-left-here-to-come across-folks chilliness demonstrates respect for your partner.

Rule Two: Introduce your new partner right away. The worst possible matter you tin can do is non innovate someone with their proper relationship title. This happened to my married man one time when he was dragged onto a prowl with his ex to see a rock band play. She had a crush on the lead vocaliser. When they all met, he was introduced dismissively every bit "her friend." Suddenly, her truthful character was revealed. Meaning: Her loyalties vacillated depending on her options. We've all been there, and information technology's awful.

Rule Three: Don't make a scene. A friend of mine in one case confronted her partner's ex by throwing a glass of sparkling h2o in the woman's confront. The ex had made rude comments in a definite endeavor to provoke her. Only still, my friend regrets it to this 24-hour interval because at that place's no better way to win a situation than to be unflappable. To quote Don Draper, "I don't think nearly yous at all."

Dominion 4: Watch the physicality. Everyone has unlike levels of discomfort when watching their partner touch or be touched. For one person, a kiss on the lips is something friends do. For another, that's adulterous. When you're dealing with an ex, every syllable and physical interaction carries a magnifying consequence.

To be honest, one of the reasons that early on meet with my partner's ex bothered me so much was that I envied her as she hugged him tight. They still seemed shut, she seemed far more than confident in her connection to him, and information technology didn't help that I compared myself to her immediately: She was younger, skinnier, prettier, and all the other "-er"s. In many ways, I felt like Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (which returns next Friday for its second flavour).

If yous've never seen this show (meet it), Rebecca is pure unhinged satire, singing with deep comic commitment about her crush on her ex'south new partner, Valencia: "I wanna impale you and wear your peel like a dress / Merely then also have y'all see me in the dress / And be like, 'OMG yous wait so beautiful in my skin.'"

Acknowledging what your partner might have been attracted to is exactly why encountering an ex can burn so deeply. You know the in's and out'due south of where the allure may have simmered, the sugariness nothings and emotional predilections. You want to know where everything went wrong, so that you lot might avoid the aforementioned fate.

Of course that's a terrible thought.

Far better to prefer the cleansing karmic stance of an Adele song where well-wishing is the rule of the mean solar day: "Send my love to your new lover (treat her better) / We've gotta allow go of all of our ghosts / We both know we ain't kids no more."

But even when you're as Zen as a person can go, encountering an ex serves as a reminder of a failed union and a failed attempt at connectedness. Failure hurts. A 2010 Periodical of Neurophysiology study revealed that the brain registers physical hurting when we are shown pictures of our exes. Information technology'southward no wonder the experience can feel so poisonous — sometimes even dangerous.

For example, practice you share within jokes, teasing, and mild amour with your ex in forepart of your current partner? In some ways that can injure even more than a concrete betrayal.

Why? Frequently the beliefs tin stalk from the most predictable of places: our defense mechanisms. Whether it be repression (burying pain), denial (blocking sensation), projection (blaming others), deportation (satisfying an impulse, like one of aggression), regression (interim helpless), sublimation (satisfying an impulse but in a socially decent fashion), a lack of directness, or even resentment, these mechanisms can sow all manner of destruction. Peculiarly sublimation.

Say yous're uncertain of your own relationship'southward status, but that's too base and vulnerable and weak an instinct to acknowledge. Instead, yous attempt to move that pain elsewhere, onto someone else. It'southward a sneaky petty message y'all're sending to a partner: "Expect at this cozy thing we accept that you lot'll never have with me. No, actually, expect at it."

Which leads to the almost important gene when running into an ex with your mate: Are you truly solid? In the early stages of any relationship, running into an ex can experience like a exam to be passed once again and again. Your commitment is tenuous, and the bonds are yet existence forged.

How to Cope With Running Into Your Partner's Ex